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Open
Relationship
Means
Open Communication
An open relationship to many
means to be more honest and open
with each
other, sharing thoughts and feelings (and material
possessions),
as opposed to festering over imaginary problems or resentments.
Early
on in a relationship, this could mean
leaving drawers unlocked, cell phones with
no secret pin
codes and
opening your partner's mail.
This does NOT mean you have
complete
access, willy nilly, to the others' possessions; rather it is
the
implied trust that comes between a strong and healthy relationship.
In theory, if you agree to an open relationship, it implies
that you have nothing to hide.
An open relationship requires an understanding by both parties
of what the
boundaries are. We all have boundaries; even the most unselfconscious,
open-minded person has personal boundaries.
Sharing
thoughts and feelings can be a very difficult thing for some
people.
Some people really struggle to
lay their hearts on the line. It’s a standing relationship joke that
men dread more than anything else in a relationship the phrase: “We
need to talk.”
Because you negotiate the boundaries and rules of your
open relationship up front, you alleviate potential relationship issues
later down the road.
Open
relationship means taking responsibility for yourself
- When you have an issue, speak up.
- Don't expect your partner to guess or know what
you like, want, feel, or need.
- Don't save up issues and spring them on your
partner when s/he raises an issue with you.
- When
you raise an issue, stay focused on that issue until the two of you
resolve it or mutually agree to shelve or postpone it.
- Say "yes" when you mean "yes;" "no," when you
mean "no." You can never truly say "yes" until you are free to say
"no."
Listen
actively
- If
your partner raises an issue, stay with that issue until the two of you
resolve it or decide mutually to postpone or shelve it.
- Resist
temptations to point out your partner's guilt for the same or a worse
offense; to assume, second guess, or mind read; to defend yourself from
real, inferred, or imagined criticisms.
- Resist raising a separate issue of your
own.
- Work at understanding your partner's point of
view.
- Be sure you really understand what s/he is
saying. Ask!
Turn all
complaints and criticisms into requests
- In
an open relationship, you should be able to ask your
partner what
you want him or her to do...rather than not do; to do, rather than to
be.
Distinguish
feelings from judgments
- A
feeling is an emotional state; it is neither true nor false, simply a
given state; e.g., "I feel sad (mad, jealous, happy, afraid, ecstatic,
etc.)" are statements about me, descriptions of my own internal
emotional condition.
- In an open relationship, you are the best
judge of your feeling (unless you are out of touch with
them).
- Statements
like, "I feel that you are a jerk (or, e.g., the most wonderful person
in the world)," are judgments. They are true, false, or a matter of
opinion, depending on the evidence.
- They are a sloppy way
of saying "I think, believe, judge that..." They have no special
truth-value simply because they begin with the words: "I
feel..."
- Distinguish events (e.g. a bounced check) from
an issue
(e.g. our money management) from hidden issues (e.g. my feelings of
acceptance or recognition in the relationship).
- Discuss issues or hidden issues separately from
events, which tend to be emotionally charged.
For additional relationship
management
advice, such as the open
relationship section here, please check out the
topics on:
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